Mankeeping, a term gaining traction in discussions about relationship dynamics, sheds light on the unequal distribution of emotional labour within heterosexual relationships. It specifically addresses the phenomenon where women often find themselves managing not only their own emotional and social needs but also those of their male partner.
Understanding Mankeeping
Definition of Mankeeping
‘Mankeeping’ is a concept coined by Angelica Puzio Ferrara, a life coach and postdoctoral scholar at Stanford University. It describes the act of women disproportionately carrying the emotional load of managing their man’s social calendar and social connections. Essentially, it involves a female partner taking on the responsibility of organising their man’s social life and providing emotional support, almost as a default setting within the man-woman relationship. Ferrara highlights that this dynamic often goes unrecognised and unappreciated.
The Role of Emotional Labour
Emotional labour, in this context, refers to the invisible work of managing emotions and relationships. Within a man-woman relationship, this often manifests as women taking on the responsibility of maintaining social networks, planning social activities, and providing emotional support to their male partner. This can involve everything from organising gatherings with friends to providing a listening ear when men need to process their feelings. Therapist Esther Perel also highlights the implications of this type of uneven labour in relationships.
Impact on Heterosexual Relationships
The impact of ‘mankeeping’ on heterosexual relationships can be significant. When many women consistently ‘mankeep’ for their male partners, it can lead to feelings of resentment, burnout, and a sense of inequality within the relationship. The female partner may feel overwhelmed by the constant need to manage both her own emotional wellbeing and that of her male partner. This imbalance can also hinder the development of male friendships and social support networks for men in their lives, further perpetuating the cycle.
The Male Loneliness Epidemic
Statistics on Male Loneliness
The male loneliness epidemic is a growing concern, with statistics revealing a significant number of men reporting feelings of isolation and lack of social connection. This can stem from societal expectations that discourage men from expressing vulnerability or actively cultivating close friendships. Many men, particularly those in man-woman relationship, may rely heavily on their female partner for emotional support, potentially exacerbating feelings of loneliness if the relationship faces challenges.
How Mankeeping Addresses This Issue
‘Mankeeping’, while seemingly placing an additional labour on the female partner, indirectly addresses the male loneliness epidemic by highlighting the lack of male social support systems. By bringing awareness to this dynamic, ‘mankeeping’ can encourage men to take greater responsibility for their emotional and social needs, fostering stronger friendships and social connections outside of the heterosexual relationship. ‘Mankeeping’ can therefore encourage men to reciprocate and develop stronger relationships.
Signs of Male Loneliness in Relationships
Signs of male loneliness within a heterosexual relationship can manifest in several ways. The male partner may consistently rely on the female partner for all social planning, display a lack of initiative in maintaining friendships, or exhibit heightened emotional dependency. This dependency can create an imbalance of emotional labour, with the female partner feeling burdened by the constant need to manage the man’s social calendar and to provide emotional support, furthering the need for ‘mankeeping’ as a result.
Labour Dynamics in Relationships
Housework Distribution
In many heterosexual relationships, the distribution of housework often reflects traditional gender roles, with women carrying a disproportionate share of the burden. This inequality extends beyond physical tasks to include emotional labour, where women may find themselves managing household logistics, anticipating family needs, and providing emotional support for all members of the household. Understanding this dynamic is key to addressing the unequal labour.
Emotional vs. Physical Labour
The distinction between emotional and physical labour is crucial in understanding the concept of ‘mankeeping’. While physical labour involves tangible tasks, emotional labour encompasses the invisible work of managing feelings, relationships, and social connections. Many women in heterosexual relationships often undertake both types of labour, leading to an imbalance where their contributions are undervalued or overlooked. Therapist, Perel, often speaks about this issue.
Many Women's Perspectives on Mankeeping
Many women's perspectives on ‘mankeeping’ are varied, ranging from acceptance as a necessary aspect of the heterosexual relationship to resentment over the unequal distribution of emotional load and gender roles. Some may feel obligated to ‘mankeep’ for their male partner, while others may recognise it as a symptom of broader societal expectations. Ferrara, at Stanford University studies the impacts of these dynamics and was coined by angelica puzio ferrara to draw attention to the emotional needs of women.
What Men Need in Relationships
Understanding Emotional Needs
Within any heterosexual relationship, understanding the emotional needs of male partners is crucial for fostering healthy dynamics. It starts with recognising that men have emotional and social needs that need to be met. Challenging traditional gender stereotypes and encouraging men to express vulnerability are essential steps. When a male partner feels understood and supported, it strengthens the heterosexual bond. It promotes open communication and reduces the need for a female partner to carry the emotional labour alone.
Communication and Support Strategies
Effective communication is the foundation of any strong heterosexual relationship, especially when addressing the dynamics of “mankeeping”. Encouraging open and honest dialogue allows both partners to express their needs and concerns. Active listening, empathy, and validation are crucial in fostering a supportive environment. By actively listening to their male partner, many women can begin to provide emotional support. Couples can foster social support and strengthen their bond.
Building Stronger Connections Through Mankeeping
While the term "mankeeping" often carries negative connotations, it can also be viewed as an opportunity to build stronger connections within a heterosexual relationship. By understanding the underlying emotional needs of the male partner and fostering open communication, couples can work together to create a more balanced distribution of labour. This involves encouraging the male partner to take greater responsibility for his own social calendar and social connection.
How to Mankeep Effectively
Practical Tips for Male Partners
For male partners seeking to address ‘mankeeping’ dynamics within their heterosexual relationship, several practical steps can be taken. It's important to focus on personal responsibility and contribution, which might include:
- Taking initiative in planning men's social activities and maintaining social connection with friends and family.
- Actively listening to your partner's concerns and offer emotional support without relying solely on your female partner.
Engaging in self-reflection and seeking social support from friends outside of the relationship is equally crucial.
Encouraging Shared Responsibilities
To promote a more equitable distribution of labour within the heterosexual relationship, it’s essential to encourage shared responsibilities. This can involve various aspects of the relationship:
- Dividing household tasks
- Organizing social calendar events
- Actively participating in emotional labour
Many women may find themselves feeling like they carry the emotional load of the relationship. Openly discussing these responsibilities, understanding individual strengths, and collaboratively creating a balanced distribution can alleviate the burden of ‘mankeeping’. By working together, couples can foster a sense of teamwork and mutual wellbeing.
Creating a Supportive Environment
Creating a supportive environment within the heterosexual relationship is vital for both partners to thrive. It begins by fostering a safe space where emotional needs can be openly communicated and met. Encouraging self-care practices can also contribute to individual wellbeing and reduce reliance on the female partner for all emotional support. This can include:
- Hobbies
- Exercise
- Spending time with friends
By fostering friendships, couples can create a support system and reduce ‘mankeeping’.
