If you have ever wondered why your partner never comments on how you look or acknowledge you for the good job you have done, this article will provide you with some insights.

Each to Their Own

One of the ways that we relate to people and situations around us is based on how we seek feedback on how we are doing. There are at least three different feedback preferences, and you and your partner have one of these preferences at an unconscious level.

Some people know that they have done a good job when they receive feedback from other people or they see their results – these people have an external feedback preference. For example, if you wait for your partner to comment on how good you look before you go out, you probably have an external feedback preference.

Other people know that they have done a good job and no one needs to tell them, they just know – these people have an internal feedback preference. For example, if you have just finished getting dressed to go out, you will know you look good by how you feel. Your partner does not need to tell you that you look good.

Some people need both types of feedback, external and internal. For example, if you finish getting dressed to go out, you will know you look good by how you feel plus by the feedback you partner gives you.

Acknowledging Yourself and Others

Firstly, be aware of your preference for feedback. Do you get annoyed when you receive well-meaning and constant feedback from your partner as to how good you look? Do you wish they would stop telling you how well you are doing because you already know that you are doing a good job?

Or would you prefer to receive feedback from your partner so that you know that you are on track and doing well? Do you miss being acknowledged when you do a good job and wish your partner would say something? Perhaps you have a balance of both preferences?

Once you are aware of your preference, then observe your partner’s preference. Notice how they respond to you when you give them feedback, and notice how they respond to you in the absence of that feedback.

After observing their response over a little while, you will soon realise their preference, and importantly, the best way for you to relate to them from then on.

Constructive Feedback

You will also want to make sure that when you do give your partner feedback (if they have an external feedback preference), that the feedback is constructive rather than negative. You want to encourage them to keep doing well, to improve and to grow as a person. An effective way to offer constructive feedback is to follow these simple steps:

1. Tell your partner what they did well
2. Tell your partner what they could improve next time
3. Overall, end with a positive statement

Notice the greater acknowledgement and connection you can create with your partner by being aware of and using your and their preferences for feedback. 

Dr. Vesna Grubacevic is an author, speaker, media commentator, the founder and Performance Transformation Expert® with award-winning company, Qt. She is the creator of breakthrough behavioural change techniques, holds a PhD, a BEc and has over 35 years’ business experience. She is passionate about helping people to improve their relationships and confidence. Her Amazon best-selling book, Stop Sabotaging Your Confidence, has also been gifted to Hollywood and Australian award winners, nominees, hosts and celebrities. For more free resources on improving your relationships, please visit www.qttransformation.com.

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