So, there we were. I was somewhere lost in his blue eyes while my fingers ran through his blonde hair, and for the first time in a long time I thought, 'I could get used to this'.
I’m the sort of person who walks around with my guard constantly up, so when I meet a guy I’m pretty cynical. I’m just waiting for the 'oh there it is' moment which crushes any potential fairytale ending.
Like this one time I was on a date with a guy and we we’re having an amazing time. And then he decides to tell me that he already has a girlfriend, and proceeds to comfort me by saying “it’s alright, she’s okay with me seeing people on the side”. It was a classic eye roll moment and a clear indication that there was going to be no fairytale ending there.
So I keep on swiping, hoping to find the glass shoe that fits. And finally I found it. Or so I thought.
What started off as a flirty exchange turned into spending a whole week together and numerous other dates. While we weren’t anywhere close to putting labels on it, I thought to myself that maybe my luck was changing. But then communication fell flat, excuses were made and the company just wasn't the same when we were together.
When he stopped texting me regularly I literally became that person making up excuses as to why he wasn't messaging me. “Oh he’s just busy at work”, “he’s probably just gone to bed early”, “maybe he’s gone to visit his parents...”
While I was being a bit delusional and trying to justify his behaviour, I had to have a moment with myself where I admitted; he’s just not that into you.
As cliché as it may sound it needed to happen. No one wants to be that friend in the group who just complains about guys, how dating sucks and how they’re going to be forever alone with 10 cats. And I was becoming that friend.
I started to notice when my friends became not so engaged in my latest dating stories and someone made a comment along the lines of “of course that would happen” with an undertone of sarcasm. Here I was wasting air space by complaining about a guy while still being interested in him and willing to go back if he texted me. I was officially the person I despised.
Now that I have made that realisation it has become so clear to me that this was not the first time it’s happened. After a couple months of dating I decided to throw myself back into the Tinder sea. I met a guy I began to be really into after a couple of dates. And looking back now I’m a bit confused as to why I actually liked him, and have convinced myself it was just the idea of him that I was into.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice person, but the guy is just a bit of a d!#k. He reeled me in by acting really interested and then slowly just became more and more disengaged. But once I started dispersing myself he would show interest again, recommending sleepovers and all of that cringe worthy stuff so I was constantly mind f*@!ed.
By this point I was seriously crushing on him. When we finally had a sleepover he was cuddling me and trying to initiate foreplay. However, when I leant in to kiss him he quickly pulled away and said “LOL”.
Yes, he actually said that word. And told me “I thought I told you all I wanted was cuddles..."
No, I didn’t kick him out. We chilled, and have a couple times since. 'Why?' you may ask. Well I was just holding onto the hope that he would magically be interested in me and I would prove him wrong. Even when he told me that he was going on dates with other people, and even stayed at mine after one of his dates I still delusionally thought he liked me. When in fact I needed to tell myself that he just wasn't into me.
In this current dating climate I feel like we are constantly waiting for a fairytale moment because of the way we’ve been raised and the way pop culture romanticises dating. And when it doesn’t happen we are so shocked and willing to do anything to hold onto that moment. We constantly change ourselves and forfeit our beliefs to give into the illusion of the fairytale. When in reality, no he hasn’t forgot to push send on the message, no he isn't busy doing charity work and no his phone battery isn't dead... he’s just not that into you.
Words: Thomas Bleach