Different people have different needs for variety and for certainty. If you feel unsettled by change in your relationship with your partner, you probably have a high need for certainty. On the other hand, if you love change, you probably have a high need for variety.
A Matter of degree
While some people prefer certainty and others prefer variety, there is a whole range of preferences we could have in between these two extremes. These preferences can range from a bit of variety to a lot, and from a lot of certainty to a bit.
If your partner has a preference for certainty they will enjoy:
- Going to the same destinations for holidays and may even have a holiday home they go to often
- Spending time together on the same days eg. every Saturday night
- A set routine for waking up, going to bed, doing the chores
- Having their home and outdoor environment similar to prior years with perhaps slight improvements or maintenance here and there
- Setting up the furniture at home in the same way
- Doing the same things when going out with friends
- Keep the same hairstyle, wardrobe and style for a while
- Set family traditions and will rarely, if at all, deviate from these
Any suggestions that you make to alter their normal routine or environment may be seen by them as you “rocking the boat” or may be met with disapproval or a negative response.
Meanwhile, if your partner has a preference for variety they will prefer:
- Going to different destinations for holidays
- Change the days they catch up with you
- To vary how and when they wake up, go to bed, do the chores
- Changing their home and outdoor environment at regular intervals and may even do a major overhaul if they love variety so much
- Redesigning their space at home and rearranging the furniture
- Doing different things when going out with friends
- Alter their hairstyle, wardrobe and style from time to time
- Changing family traditions and may find these “same old” and boring
Any suggestions you make to them to do things the same way may be seen by them as dull and boring, and may be met with non-attendance at the same events for example.
Engaging different styles
Rather than getting frustrated or upset with your partner for being different in their style, learn to adapt to their needs. If they prefer change, suggest to go to different places and do different things with them. Words that would appeal to them include:
- Different
- Change
- Unusual
- Variety
- Alternatives
- Another way
- Adjust
On the other hand, if they prefer certainty, suggest to do the same things with them. Words that would appeal to them include:
- Same
- Certainty
- Familiar
- Similar
- Identical
- Alike
- Constant
Keep your relationship with your partner harmonious by adapting to their preferences, and using their need for variety and/or certainty to build deeper and more meaningful relationships with each other. Also make sure you let your partner know your preference so that they can meet your needs too.
Dr. Vesna Grubacevic is an author, speaker, media commentator, the founder and Performance Transformation Expert® with award-winning company, Qt. She is the creator of breakthrough behavioural change techniques, holds a PhD, a BEc and has over 35 years’ business experience. She is passionate about helping people to improve their relationships and confidence. Her Amazon best-selling book, Stop Sabotaging Your Confidence, has also been gifted to Hollywood and Australian award winners, nominees, hosts and celebrities. For more free resources on improving your relationships, please visit www.qttransformation.com.
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