Do you feel insecure in your relationship? Discover how to feel empowered instead.
Real or Perceived Threat
Sometimes in life we experience real threats or danger and our fight or flight response kicks in to protect us. As we feel danger, we either stay and fight it out or flee in fright. This is an appropriate response when faced with danger – it is our unconscious mind keeping us safe.
If we perceive life situations as threatening to us, we can overreact to that perceived threat with our insecurities. Perceived threats can include threats to: our comfort zone, how we perceive ourselves, our values and beliefs, other people’s success, other people’s behaviour, etc. Any time we over react to a perceived threat, we need to pay attention.
For example, how do you react when your partner:
- argues or gets angry with you?
- hurts, rejects or betrays you?
- gets a new job or has other success?
- does things that you wish you could do?
- feels threatened?
Below are some common ways that people respond to perceived threats.
When feeling threatened, the controller wants to take control of the situation, may get angry, or may say “It’s my way or the highway.” The controller may blame others for their anger and behaviour. When you feel insecure in your relationship, do you get angry with or blame your partner?
When threatened, the over-protector will want to protect themselves and/or others. They may be a rescuer and want to step in and help others stay safe. When you feel insecure in your relationship, do you put up a protective wall to protect yourself from being vulnerable or being emotionally hurt?
When threatened by others’ success and accomplishments, the envier’s green eyed monster appears. They may covet what others have, may avoid contact with those they are jealous of or go into a jealous rage. When your partner has a success, do you act out of jealousy or put his successes down to make yourself feel better?
The Drama Queen
When threatened, the drama queen makes a mountain out of a molehill, and over reacts with emotion. The drama that they create reflects their own internal fears, unresolved emotions, self doubts and insecurities. When you feel insecure in your relationship, do you cause a drama?
The Attention Seeker
When threatened, the attention seeker turns others’ attention onto themself. They are unconsciously saying “look at me” or “what about me?”. They may ignore others’ successes and talk about their own achievements instead. Their insecurities about themselves feed their need for attention. When you feel insecure in your relationship, do you become the centre of attention?
The Approval Seeker
When threatened, the approval seeker bends over backwards to befriend the people they feel threatened by in an effort to gain their approval. Because they tend not to trust themselves to make their own decisions, they may revert to others’ approval before making their own decisions. When you feel insecure in your relationship, do you turn to your partner for approval?
The empowerer rarely feels threatened by others. They are their own person, secure in themselves, seeing every life experience as an opportunity to learn and grow. Are you supportive of your partner’s successes and are genuinely happy for them?
Stop Feeling Threatened and Insecure in Your Relationship
You can be more like the empowerer and stop feeling threatened and insecure by:
- Being honest with yourself and becoming aware of how you respond to perceived threats (using the above categories as a guide).
- Identifying the specific emotions, self doubts and limiting beliefs that have you feel overly threatened and insecure in the above situations
- Addressing the areas you identified above so that you can feel empowered instead, and have a more fulfilling relationship with your partner
Dr. Vesna Grubacevic is an author, speaker, media commentator, the founder and Performance Transformation Expert® with award-winning company, Qt. She is the creator of breakthrough behavioural change techniques, holds a PhD, a BEc and has over 35 years’ business experience. She is passionate about helping people to improve their relationships and confidence. Her Amazon best-selling book, Stop Sabotaging Your Confidence, has also been gifted to Hollywood and Australian award winners, nominees, hosts and celebrities. For more free resources on improving your relationships, please visit www.qttransformation.com.
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