Love me, love me not.
Are you sending mixed signals to your partner or on your dates? Do you experience confusion about whether or not you want to be in a relationship?
Anytime you find yourself siting on the fence or are indecisive about what you want could simply signify that you are experiencing internal conflict. You may find yourself being emotionally pulled in different directions such as:
- Whether to stay single or get into a relationship.
- Whether to have intimacy in a relationship or not because of a fear of abandonment.
- Whether to seek love or not because of not feeling worthy of it.
If you have your feet in both camps about what you want then you will never be fully committed or able achieve the single or partner status.
Inner conflict around a relationship can drain your energy and motivation, as well as send mixed signals to your current or potential partner. It is also important to identify and resolve any inner conflict so that you are congruent about what you want. Once you make a decision about what you want and are ready for, you will be fully committed to that course of action, and will more easily follow through and achieve it.
Common signs of potential inner conflict around relationships can include:
Saying one thing and doing another e.g. let’s have coffee, then not following through.
Acting against your inner feelings e.g. your gut feeling is to say “no” and you say “yes” to the date.
Second guessing your feelings e.g. you feel attracted to a potential partner and you question how you feel.
Contradicting yourself in what you say e.g. saying “I want to go out, but I’m not sure”.
Disagreeing with yourself e.g. your internal dialogue says “I want to be loved” one minute and “I don’t deserve love” the next minute, thus creating confusion about what you really want.
While often these signs can be subtle, your partner or potential partner will pick up on these cues subconsciously, and will respond accordingly. Your uncertainty about what you want will be reflected in their uncertainty towards you and the relationship.
Reaching agreement with yourself
Once you identify the internal conflict, it is important to resolve it by reaching agreement with yourself. So rather than debating about what to do, you can make a congruent decision with which you are happy. Here is an exercise to assist you with reaching a decision that is right for you.
- For example, if the conflict is that you seek to be in a relationship with a partner yet you treasure your independence, ask yourself the following questions and notice the replies that instantly come to mind:
- How can I achieve both a relationship with a partner and independence?
- Does the relationship I want include having my own independence too?
- How can independence and a relationship with a partner both work together for me?
Next, visualise yourself having both a relationship with a partner and independence – notice the positive images, sounds, feelings, tastes, smells and self talk around having both. Then ask yourself “What steps do I want to take to make this happen?”. Write these steps down, set a goal and action your plan.
This will assist you to work through any minor conflict and to move forward decisively with consistent thoughts, feelings and actions. Once those conflicts are resolved, you will have the clarity and focus to create exactly what you desire in your relationship.
By implementing the above, you will be able to avoid these seven deadly relationship sins and have the harmonious and loving relationship you desire.
Dr. Vesna Grubacevic is an author, speaker, media commentator, the founder and Performance Transformation Expert® with award-winning company, Qt. She is the creator of breakthrough behavioural change techniques, holds a PhD, a BEc and has over 35 years’ business experience. She is passionate about helping people to improve their relationships and confidence. Her Amazon best-selling book, Stop Sabotaging Your Confidence, has also been gifted to Hollywood and Australian award winners, nominees, hosts and celebrities. For more free resources on improving your relationships, please visit www.qttransformation.com.
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